Defending Something That Was Never Real

I am at my limit tonight.

He went to work like everything was normal, and then on his way home it started again. Another round of accusations that don’t make sense, said with certainty like they are facts I’m supposed to respond to.

He told me I’m seeking validation from other people. I don’t even know where that came from. It is so far outside of anything I’m doing that I had to stop and reread it just to make sure I wasn’t missing something.

I told him the truth. I don’t need to seek validation from anyone. I’m confident in who I am. And I told him I wasn’t continuing the conversation.

That should have been enough.

It wasn’t.

He came back with more. Said he knows for a fact I’m the BBD. I didn’t even know what that meant. I had to sit there and try to figure out what he was accusing me of while reading something written like it was already proven. He talked about me working for someone, about my phone, about things being secretive, about “patterns” that don’t exist.

I work. Sometimes two jobs. He knows that.

Two weeks ago I asked him to stop coming into my office every fifteen minutes while I was trying to work. That was it. That was the entire request. It was practical. It had nothing to do with distance or anything else.

Somehow that turned into this.

Into me being distant.
Into me seeking validation.
Into there being someone else.

I can’t even connect the dots between what actually happened and what he believes is happening.

I told him if he truly believes all of this, then he should do what he feels is right. I’m not going to keep defending myself against something that isn’t real.

He said it makes sense if I just look at my behavior.

There is nothing to look at.

That’s the part that is breaking something in me.

There is zero basis for any of this. Nothing I can point to, nothing I can correct, nothing I can clarify that would actually resolve it. It just keeps coming. Weeks of this. Accusations, then silence, then avoidance, then it starts again out of nowhere like it never ended.

Tonight it turned into everything at once.

He said I never want to go anywhere with him. That I say I don’t feel like it. That I drop everything for my sister. That I create distance. That I’m inconsiderate. That I’ve always been.

And then he said he understands why he is the way he is to me.

That part stayed with me.

Like the way he treats me is something I caused.

Like this is all a reaction to something I’ve done, even though I can’t find anything that actually lines up with what he’s saying.

And then it went where it always seems to go when he wants it to hurt.

Comments about my weight.
About sending pictures to someone who doesn’t exist.
About a version of me I don’t recognize.

I didn’t respond to that.

I’m sitting here now trying to understand how something so simple turned into something so distorted.

I asked for space to work.

That’s it.

And somehow I ended up here, defending my reality against things that were never real to begin with.

I am not confused about what I did.

I am confused about how it became this.

And more than anything, I want it to stop.